Apparently you make a good broom.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
