my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
