based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Randomize
