you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
