When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
