I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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