8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
