btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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