theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
