I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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