i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
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