If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
