fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
