even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
