All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
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