I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We left an ass print on the piano.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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