at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
