i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
