Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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