I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
