My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
