I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
