Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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