I would go down on you faster than GM stock
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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