Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
