your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm really into asian looking animals
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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