I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Randomize
