I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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