I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
