just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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