she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Someone shattered a urinal.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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