Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
