Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
