i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
