you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
