All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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