one might say we're banned from that church
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
