This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
