Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
