How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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