You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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