I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
