ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
