so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
