if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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