You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
