Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
