I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
