That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
