In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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